Reflecting on Guilt

If Jesus had lived my life

They say guilt is an emotional experience that occurs when a person believes or realizes- accurately or not- that they have compromised their own standards of conduct or have violated universal moral standards and bear significant responsibility for that violation.

Guilt is closely related to the concept of remorse as well as shame, they say.

It took me a while to understand the words of Paul in Romans 7:15 when he said, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do. But what I hate, I do.”

I am guessing it started from those funny books I picked instead of my bible.

Or the gossip time instead of my quiet moments

Or those Perverted thoughts instead of meditation

Or the moments I console myself with this statement “I was human first before I became a Christian” so I could feel better about myself.

If Jesus had lived my life

Impossible, I would say

I am too imperfect.

Guess what, after doing the things I hate, I would wallow in my imperfection and sulk in my own sorrows.

It would have been better if I didn’t know Jesus at all.

The sick part is that while I am doing what I am not supposed to do, I remember Jesus. I remember my bible lessons.

But I still choose my flesh over Jesus.

I wanted to be that Christian who would wake up by 5am and have a one-hour quiet time with god, evangelize with so much happiness at daytime, resist temptation and go to bed with my thoughts fixed on God

But you can already guess, that was far from that.

So then, I would wallow in my stupidity.

After I had satisfied my flesh through my words, actions and thoughts, a tear would drop from my eyes.

A tear of defeat.

A tear of sorrow.

A tear of disgust

A tear of shame.

I would hide myself from God.

I would stay away from quiet moments with God, block out the voice of the Holy Spirit because in my head, I was too stained.

If Jesus had lived my life

There was no way he would have made the decisions I made.

He gave his life for me before I was even born. But I couldn’t pick him even after knowing him.

My guilt.

My shame.

There was no way I could accept that he was ever in my shoes.

He overcame temptation. But here I am, a slave to my demons.

As I continued to wallow in my imperfections, I weakened

I became a victim of silent tears

I couldn’t find the words

Asking for forgiveness did not feel genuine anymore.

And in the midst of all this, deep in my heart, I thought God had given up on me.

Maybe I was one of those weeds that needed to be plucked out.

This is what guilt does to a person.

I used to wonder why Adams and Eve felt the need to hide.

It was obvious that God loved the,. It is only normal to run into the arms of those who love us when we make mistakes, yeah?

Just like me, they had very little understanding of the length, breadth and width of God’s love

GNB Romans 8:35 says, “Who, then, can separate us from the love of Christ? Can trouble do it, or hardship or persecution or hunger or poverty or danger or death?

Verse 36 further says, “As the scripture at all times, “For my sake, he was in danger of death at all times; he was treated like sheep that are going to be slaughtered.”

 or have violated universal moral standards and bear significant responsibility for that violation.

So no, nothing can make God stop loving me. Not even when I am spiritually starved or spiritually ill.

Still with this awareness of God’s love for me, I do the things I hate.

I wallow in depression and continue to feast on my plate of sin because I felt I was not worthy of being called a child of God.

So imagining Jesus living my life was insane.

He would never have struggled with these lusts of flesh.

I was made to read Romans 7:14-25 when I refused to snap out of my world of self-pity

“We know that the law is spiritual but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do; for I don’t do what I would like to do, but instead I do what I hate. Since what I do is what I don’t want to do, this shows that I agree that the law is right. So I am not really the one who does this thing; rather it is the sin that lives in me. I know that good does not live in me – that is, in my human nature. For even though the desire to do good is in me, I am not able to do it. I don’t do the good I want to do.  Instead, I do the evil that I do not want to do. If I do what I don’t want to do, this means that I am no longer the one who does it, instead, it is the sin that lives in me.

So I find that this law is at work. When I want to do what is good, what is evil is the only choice I have. My inner being delights in the law of God. But I see a different law at work in my body – a law that fights against the law which my mind approves of. It makes me a prisoner to the law of sin which is at work in my body. What an unhappy person I am! What will rescue me from this body that is taking me to death?

Thanks be to God, who does this through our Lord, Jesus Christ!

This, then, is my condition: on my own I can serve God’s law only within my mind, while my human nature serves the law of sin.

So to the phrase “Jesus had lived my life”

Yes, he did live my life

Isaiah 53:4-12

“But he endured the suffering that should have been mine,

The pain that I should have borne

Because of my sins, he was wounded,

Beaten because of the evils I did

I am healed by the punishment he suffered; I wa s made whole by the blows he received

I was like a sheep that was lost,

I was going my own way

But the Lord made the punishment Fall on him, The punishment I deserved

He was treated harshly, but treated it humbly;

He never said a word.

Like a lamb to be slaughtered,

Like a sheep about to be sheared,

He never said a word

He was arrested and sentenced and led off to die, and no one Cared about his fate. He was placed in a grave with the wicked, he was buried With the rich, even though he had never committed a crime or ever told a lie.”

The Lord said it was his will that Jesus should suffer. His death was a sacrifice to bring forgiveness. So Jesus would see his descendants; he will live a long life and through him God’s purpose will succeed. After a life of suffering, Jesus will again have joy; he will know that he did not suffer in vain. He is God’s devoted servant with whom he is pleased, will have geared my punishment and for Jesus’ sake, God forgave me. And so God will give him a place of honor, a place among the great and powerful. Jesus willingly gave his life and shared my fate. He took my place and prayed that I might be forgiven.

So yes, if Jesus had lived my life

That is a wrong phrase.

God replaced it with this sentence:  

“Jesus had already lived my life out for me.” 

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